A "Sensuous Home"

As I’ve mentioned before, we are moving. We’ve gone into contract for our current home and are in the process of trying to buy a house. The race is one for use to find our new home and am I feeling it.

The staging, the contracts, and the looking are all really, really exhausting. There’s also something distinctly surreal about intruding into someone else’s home with the intention of buying it from them in a month. I prefer looking at homes where the people have already vacated, that way I don’t have to imagine how I will have to erase the vestiges of it’s former owners.

It’s also deeply awkward and I am not good at handling the awkward. Especially when it comes to invading someone’s personal space unsure of how to keep my casual judgments unsaid in front of a stranger.

But today, my friends, we hit the jackpot! Not in a home that we want to buy, but in comedic value. This is my second time house-shopping as an adult, and I’ve seen my share of weirdness. Gross homes, decaying homes, homes that are falling apart. Those are tragedies.

This was just deliciously weird. And it started with the listing. Allow me to share the opening line:

Opulent,seductive and meticulously detailed.

….Excuse me?

Seductive?

Is this a house or an import car? I see someone took intro to creative writing. They got a C+.

The living is easy in this impressive,generously proportioned contemporary residence with serene lake views,private fenced patio one of kind home.

On the bright side, I have a new burlesque name: Generous Proportions.

This house screams 'designer' and will reflect personality and taste of those accustomed to the best quality in design,finishes and lifestyle.

My good friends, this house was not that. Although we were treated to a two foot replica statue of the Venus di Milo at the entrance, which my husband pointed out must be the “seductive element” the listing was boasting.

I don’t necessarily like to dunk on anyone’s personal taste, especially since I am a Grade A WEIRDO when it comes to interior design, but I think it really sends the wrong message when your furniture is substantially larger than the interior of your house. Or how the “luxurious en-suite bathroom” is mostly just the 1980’s original, faded blue gloss tile and all.

The final mark, in the re-done, throwback, beautiful, kitchen were the display glass cabinets above the range stove that housed not one, but two… funeral urns.

Mad props for the hidden goth vibes. Guess Gramgram and Poppop’s dying wish was to always be above the simmering goulash.

Not the house for us. And today includes more intrusions. I know that this is a privilege, as most of my generation literally can’t afford to buy a home. For a myriad of reasons, this is set to become a rarer and rarer occurrence. I have to wonder if I’m partaking in a ritual that will soon become archaic. That I am knowingly grasping for a suburban dream that isn’t practical.

But it’s what I want.

Though I’m sure what I want is “designer” after all.

See you on the flip side

    -Laura