Let's Kick It

Whenever I hear that phrase, my brain automatically goes to “Ice, Ice, Baby” and yes, I should be ashamed.

But I'm not.

So Stop. Collaborate and Listen.

This is gonna be stuck in your head, sorry.

My brain has been all over the place this week. It… was not good. I was overwhelmed. I was restless and underwhelmed. I was… whelmed? And I am stuck mentally wrestling with the vestiges of this struggle.

If you were looking for the feel good blog- this ain’t it bro.

As I write this, it is 7 o’clock on Saturday night and I am still in my pajamas. I woke up at like 11, made breakfast, then collapsed back into the bed until about 4. Since then I have looked at the half-blank documents on my computer screen, then largely avoided them by dicking around on social media.

It’s all work. But some of it is more fruitful than others.

I’m largely paralyzed by my own inadequacy as a writer. There’s a lot I want to say, but I don’t know how to say those things. There’s a lot that I am a failure at conveying. And with me writing more than ever before, I find myself wading in half-assed, half-finished pieces that I try to polish.

In academia, you have the expression “Publish or Perish”. Likewise, it’s true when you’re a writing, and I am using this term loosely, “professional”. There’s the grind of writing, of constantly making “content” and then there are the projects that excite me, and I sign on for, only to feel unable to do them justice.

There’s also my personal writing….

which….

hahahahaha, I have no time for that when there are actual paying gigs on the table in one form or another.

ugh.

just… ugh!

(I know by now you must be annoyed that the majority of my blogs are me complaining, but you clicked my friend).

I just want to be able to focus for at least, 10 whole minutes at a time. Enough to get a couple dozen, cohesive words down. Enough to make something interesting and, well, smart. Or at least time concentrating that isn’t focused on my shortcomings and chaos. I wish I had a mind that was sharp, focused. A mind like a diamond. Maybe if I had a short skirt and a long jacket…

Instead, I’m all over the place, lost in this weird, buzzing haze. I know that the true thing I’m missing isn’t talent or drive, it’s an organizational structure. Ironically enough, that’s something I am good at creating for others and not for myself. Maybe someday I’ll get it an organize myself into a stupor. I’ll be SUPER PRODUCTIVE. And also FULFILLED.

Until then, better light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.

See you on the flip side amigxs.

-La Queta